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What do we do when there is no Major League Soccer?

A few ideas on how to spend your down soccer time as we do our part to limit the spread and impact of COVID-19

MLS: Montreal Impact at FC Dallas Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

The league is shut down.

Look, on one hand, just as we were two games in to this FC Dallas campaign and starting to get a feel for this team, it sucks. It stinks. I need more FCD soccer.

On the other hand, following health experts advice to save lives and make this virus thing less worse is pretty damn cool.

Hell, if a fan can get the virus via autograph, I think we got to take this thing seriously.

So what do we do with our free time?

Here’s a few ideas.

Option One: Play more soccer virtually.

Why not break out FIFA20, Football Manager 2020, or whatever other software package of choice to get some matches in? Second guess Luchi Gonzalez. Start Jesse Gonzalez as a striker. Put Matt Hedges on the wing opposite Michael Barrios. This is an opportune time to take gambles, because for all we know civilization could collapse in a couple of weeks.

(Okay, civilization ain’t collapsing, but I don’t want to be waiting for sweet death in the irradiated post-coronavirus hellscape wondering if Reto Ziegler could work as a left winger.)

Stay tuned for a special Big D After Dark where I will turn on Football Manager 2020, and we will live commentate the virtual match to get our fix for the weekend. Seriously. It’s coming.

Option Two: Kick a soccer ball.

The statistics are grim. America has a lot of health issues. Maybe if we got out in our backyards or common areas, keeping appropriate social distances, we could make a dent in our health issues and get a bit into shape. This strategy has a bonus. As the FC Dallas campaign wages on, Luchi might look up in the crowd and see you, fit and ready to kick soccer balls, and sign you to an immediate contract and place you next to Zdenek Ondrasek to score the game winning goal.

So, get outside and get active.

FC Dallas’ season may depend on it.

Option Three: Knit a custom FC Dallas scarf.

Good soccer scarves that show your passion as a fan are a solid collector’s item. Why not make your own? Order some yarn and a knitting kit from a safe online retailer. Begin creating your masterpiece. Sell it on etsy.

Bonus tip: If you get good enough at this knitting thing, consider creating a knock-off FC Dallas jersey, and be the best damn grandma of FC Dallas fandom. Also be cozy and warm come November when FC Dallas is playing in the MLS Cup.

Option Four: Grow a mustache to resemble Paxton Pomykal, then shave it and donate the clippings to charity.

I don’t know if there are charities that collect the beard trimmings from bored fans, but surely there are people who could use our attempts to mimic young club legend Paxton Pomykal. His mustache set the league on fire a couple weeks back. It was a sign of a young man coming into his own. His confidence is growing. Cultivating a mustache is a sign that one is prepared to move into the upper echelons of the soccer pyramid.

I guarantee this - if you grow a mustache during this coronavirus break, you will get a raise and promotion the instant you get back to work. And I want to be clear - this is some gender neutral advice. Mustaches are universally a gift.

Look. It stinks to be without soccer for a bit (or any sports for that matter), but it’s always good to be safe and to follow the advice our health professionals. Down the line, this will mean more soccer matches each week to think about and obsess over. In the short term, it will likely save lives. And that’s always a good thing.

So, do something with this time. Be safe. Get extra ready for when soccer resumes. Our team will need our passion, our mustaches, our knitted custom scarves, our fitness level, and our virtual management experience.

Any other suggestions? Share them in the comment section below.

Mustache cultivating tips are also welcome.