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Fantasy MLS Round 8

Armband to Colmán? You bet your sweet...

Noah Riffe

Round 8 kicks off tonight with the hated Whitecaps traveling to the even more hated Spork. Another middling draw would be excellent, but don’t hold your breath. FC Dallas trails the Sporkin’ Sporks of Sporkistan by 5 points, but they’ve got a couple of games in hand and it’s still pretty early in the marathon. This isn’t the case in Fantasy.

In the Big D League, there isn’t even one FCD supporter in the Top 20 at this point. In fact, at least one of every team’s supporters is ahead of Chips and Gruezo except for Columbus, Orlando City, Montreal, and Toronto. That’s simply unacceptable, and we’re nearly half way through the first season already- remember, we’re Clausura/Apertura style now, so the first season ends in Week 17. Gang, it’s time to go big. Allow me to present the case for captaining Cristian Colmán this round.

Yes, it’s pretty crazy, but there was enough opportunity for Colmán to score multiple goals, and he’ll get plenty of volume this week against Philadelphia. Philadelphia’s back line is also missing two starters, and the replacements are pretty green (both still teenagers). Philly’s D is backstopped by one of the league’s best in Andre Blake, but stopping point blank shots and breakaways are no easy feat even for upper echelon keepers, and Colmán looks prime for several of those opportunities this weekend. So far this season, Double C has put 80% of his chances on target; he’s bound to get at least one of those past Blake.

Sure, it’s a pretty unlikely scenario, but you only have to go back to September of last year to find Patrick Mullins bagging 4 goals in just over 30 minutes to find a recent example of a poacher going beserk against a porous defense. Do you really think Mullins is any better than Colmán?

So the road map to get your points out of our #9 is about 8 shots, 2 goals, 3 key passes, 1 assist, and a penalty earned. That’ll earn you 20 points (or x2 for 40) and a big fat standing ovation. That is if they don’t let him take the penalty kick to get his hat trick. Could Colmán score 50 for you after adding the armband?

Yeah, probably not, but the upside here is that virtually none of your competitors (except for me) will be employing this risky gambit. This maneuver will differentiate you from the sneering masses who are ahead of you and give you bragging rights for the week, and the thing is, you’re running out of time. You’ve got to go for the gusto now to get back in this thing. Besides, if Colmán doesn’t end up starting, you can always switch the captaincy to Mauro or Lodeiro (that’ll be a very chalk play this weekend), and you’ll end up no worse for wear. That said, if Colmán does start this weekend, I can’t see him not putting up good points. I’ve drank the Kool Aid; I’m all in.

Aside from being #DTID this weekend, I’m bullish on the swamp dweller this weekend. Toronto will be playing their B (maybe C lineup) as they prep for the CONCACAF Champions League final in Guadalajara- just be wary of the rain in Houston. I’m also bullish on the actual bulls- Red Bulls, to be precise. Chicago looks like an absolute dumpster fire right now, and the Cows seem like they might still be a little bit pissed about failing to win their series against the Goats. You can feast on them, Houston, and Dallas this weekend and probably put up a big number.

Oh, and before I forget- Gambling*!

CCR Moneyline -160

FCD Moneyline -160

RSL Moneyline -125

MNU +1.5 -120

NYCFC +0.5 -150

Previous week’s picks: 2-2-1 Season: 8-6-1

Good luck, fellow degenerates.

*- Odds courtesy of Bovada. For Entertainment Purposes Only!