Right before hearing the news yesterday that President Donald Trump had fired FBI Director James Comey in what doesn’t at all look like a half ass attempt to cover up bad Russian stuff (or general incompetence, or actual collusion...who knows), I saw this hilarious little tweet that will serve as the inspiration for my stupid little fantasy column this week.
The NY Times is planning a regular "Trump Isn't All Bad" column, so send in those ideas! pic.twitter.com/HfKdgEC6f1— Peter Hart (@peterfhart) May 8, 2017
So, without further adieu. Hmm...Hmmm...
Dear Failing New York Times,
Let me start by commending you for your outside the box thinking. I think it’s more important than ever to provide the American public a positive ingress for keeping track of our unique form of representative democracy, and with this weekly feature, I have zero doubt it will feature some fascinating and inspiring tidbits about the 45th President of the United States of America.
To assist your intrepid endeavor, I’m going to do my best to help. President Trump’s 1st 100 days in office have given me a vast new appreciation of American institutions and what the president does to maintain and to add prestige to them. For instance, his failure to staff the State Department and seeming reliance on an utterly primitive and moronic alpha dog version of diplomacy has really seen our prestige around the world take a hit. Some even joke that Angela Merkel is leader of the free world. I miss when we had a leader who commanded more respect...like this guy!
Hilariously, #43 was claiming that he was ‘trying to escape’. Now, this is an obvious example of a joke, and Bush’s talent for humor was pretty underrated. #44 was no slouch himself, but #45 isn’t much of a jokester. In fact, the only time he really tells jokes is when someone is making an excuse for him because he just told an obvious lie. You see, that’s what the president does; he lies all of the time. So much so, surrogates and supporters make up excuses like ‘he was joking’ or ‘he misunderstood the question’ or ‘look! Slugbug Yellow!’.
Donald Trump lies like it is sport. If it were an Olympic sport, Donald Trump would get all 3 places on the medal stand (and probably 4th place too....just in case one of the Top 3 ended up colluding with the Russians or something). If there were drug testing for the lie Olympics, a constant shroud of suspicion would surround him. How is he such a prolific liar, the anti-doping authority might ask? Thankfully, due to your keen suggestion that we concentrate on saying something nice, we won’t be concentrating on Trump’s obvious flaws. No, we’ll be focused on the Russians!
Now none of this is to say I don’t appreciate the gravity of Russia meddling in our election. I do, and frankly, people who were complicit do need to be held to account. I also feel strongly, however, that we as Americans bear the responsibility for all of this coming to pass. It isn’t like we didn’t have 30 years of information where he engaged in racial discrimination on his rental properties, or had legitimate questions about his business prowess due to leverage gone bad 25 years ago, or even during the most recent economic crisis (See #6 of 13).
Honestly, you didn’t even have to go that far. You really could have gone back about 5 years and found out that the only reason that Trump had any kind of political following before throwing his hat into the ring for the 2016 election was his embrace of Birtherism. Trump constantly railed on this for years even after it was settled once and for all when President Obama released his birth certificate. Trump played dumb about this for another 5 years.
Now, I know NONE of that is positive. At least on the surface, it seems horrible, and it really is. We have a lying, buffoonish, lout with little if any discernible qualification to be president beyond the ability to throw a good rally and set an outlandish standard for telling lies both in frequency and imagination. The positive note to take from this is he’s pretty incompetent, and although we probably have an overly positive view of our accomplishments as a country, we’ve still probably done enough to get a mulligan for hiring this joke.
Donny Dumb Dumb will do some damage while in office, but it probably won’t be catastrophic, and we will have learned a valuable lesson about hiring incompetent demagogues who engage in naked deceit, nepotism, and general nincompoopery. It’s a good thing that our dalliance with a tyrant was with a reality TV star instead of someone with actual strength and cunning. Because we dodged that bullet, I’m happy to offer up this nugget of positivity for President Trump.
Good Luck with Bret Stephens,
If you want to write something ‘Nice’ about Trump, you can do it via this email- firstname.lastname@example.org. Have fun!
Byrd’s Ballers: (Round 9. 2-2-1, Season 25-16-4)
Sebastian Giovinco - F $12.3
- Ola Kamara- M $10.4
- Federico Higuain - M $11.5
- Ignacio Piatti- M $8.8
- Lee Nguyen- M $10.5
I basically spun my wheels last week with only 6 of my 11 getting 2 starts and with Alessandrini’s 10 rotting on my bench. Timo SC crushed it with 128 last round for the team of theweek, while the Top 4 remained virtually unchanged.
I think Giovinco gets his two this round, and you ride the hot hand their. He was worth it for one last round, and he’ll be worth it for 2 this round. I’ll skip out on Altidore and Bradley. Toronto play a lot this month. Both teams travel little and play both games on grass so there shouldn’t be too much rotation this week. For the single week, banged up and smoldering bin RSL looks like it can be had in New England.
(NOTE: Giovinco OUT with a heel bruise. Probable for this weekend. See comments.)
Skinflint’s Specials: (Round 9 1-4-0, Season 22-28-0)
- Raheem Edwards F $3.9
- Stephen Beitashour D $5.0
- Eriq Zavaleta D $5.1
- Josh Smith D $4.4
- Kellyn Acosta- M $7.1
When the cheaps don’t pan out....woof! I’ll stick with my TFC guys this round; they should be good for 2. Josh Smith looks like he’s back in the fold, so that’s cheap goodness there. No Morales means Acosta is on set pieces, and a nice home game and a nice low floor means he’s a good switcheroo/budget option this round. You can actually do a full switcheroo with Acosta and Edwards and see both of the latter’s games before inserting Kellyn.
Complaints, comments, suggestions, slang? Email bmlyon (at) yahoo.com