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MLS 2017: Gazing into the crystal ball to make some bold predictions

Time to gaze into the crystal ball to see what really will happen this season.

MLS: Portland Timbers at Vancouver Whitecaps FC Anne-Marie Sorvin-USA TODAY Sports

With the MLS 2017 season upon us, it is time to begin discussing the season ahead. Everyone is speculation about what lies ahead for every MLS team and every player in the league. Join me, as I peer into my Crystal Ball, and make 22 bold predictions for the MLS 2017 season!

  1. Minnesota United FC will make history Friday night, defeating Portland, and thus becoming the first expansion side to ever take sole possession of first place in MLS during their debut season. (I swear, I wrote this last nite)
  2. Brek Shea will reinvent himself as a center forward in Vancouver, he'll key the resurgent Whitecaps attack and have a 10+ goal season, with half of those goals scored against Orlando.
  3. In a strange turn of events, we discover that Bruce Arena had a clause in his USMNT contact, permitting him to leave, should LAG offer him the head coaching job. Halfway through the season, with LAG struggling, they do just that, and announce Bruce face, as their new coach.
  4. Late in the season, and with Minnesota United FC right in the thick of the Playoffs race. Ownership stuns their fans, by firing Adrian Heath for "not being Viking-y enough". Ragnar Lothbrok of the hit TV show Vikings is offered the job, which he quickly turns down, stating "but I'm just a $#@%ing actor!"
  5. Orlando City FC rebrands. They're now to be known as Kaka FC.
  6. Beckham, still without a stadium, announces the official name of his expansion team: Real Club Deportivo Athletico Miami City United Dynamo FC Swampgators.
  7. The New York Cosmos buy out the New York Red Bulls, rebrand both teams, so they can switch leagues. Before they can complete the rebrand, New York City FC buys out the Cosmos, rebrands the Cosmos as NYCFC II and moves them to the USL. NYRB is resold to a group headed by Snooki and rebranded as Jersey Shore SC.

I was about to take a break from making predictions, but the Crystal Ball is glowing again, and I’m beginning to wonder why it looks like a skull?........and how did it become half empty? Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, predicting stuff.

  1. FC Dallas and MLS, turn down a record breaking 1 Billion dollar offer from Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. It is later confirmed that both sides were very close to a deal, but that the deal breaker was Jones insistence that the team be rebranded as Jerryland SC.
  2. The Seattle Sounders invent the 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 Formation. Later that season, with Seattle challenging for the Supporters Shield, Seattle Sounders supporters announce they have invented the “Viking Clap”.
  3. Alphonso Davies becomes the youngest Golden Boot & MLS MVP winner in MLS history. Prior to the start of the 2018 season, Davies is sold for an MLS record breaking transfer deal, that more than doubles the previous record, to Liga MX side Guadalajara, who loans him to the Whitecaps until his 18th birthday. The Mexican government expedites Davies Mexican citizenship upon turning 18, and forces him to change his last name to Alphonso. As part of Chivas longstanding policy, Alphonso Alphonso resigns from the Canadian Men’s National Team. Supporters of CMNT promptly petition their government to declare war on Mexico.
  4. Atlanta United FC becomes the first team in MLS history to lead the league in goals scored and goals allowed.
  5. The New England Revolution are leading the Eastern Conference for most of the season, with a defensive performance reminiscent of last season's Rapids. Their season is quickly derailed when it is discovered that someone in the organization has been tampering with game balls, in what quickly comes to be known as "Deflate Gate II".
  6. Columbus Crew SC announces they will launch their own USL team in 2018, and asks its fans to help name the new team. In a lopsided fan vote, the new team is named Dos A Cero SC.
  7. Not to be outdone, expansion side LAFC announce the launching of their own USL team as well, to be named Club Don Ovan.
  8. New England’s Cody Cropper wins the MLS Goalkeeper of the Year & Defensive Player of the Year, even though his team is involved in an ongoing investigation.

I was going to do 22 predictions, but I see that my Crystal Ball is empty, and has stopped talking to me. So, I guess I’ll call it a day. Maybe you can share some of your “bold” predictions with me?


I have been contacted by outraged Seattle Sounders supporters, who assure me that they invented the “Viking Clap” last year!