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MLS Fantasy Fisticuffs: Round 9

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No Phil or Ben this week, but we've got an interesting man off the bench.

Il Capitano
Il Capitano
Eric Bolte-USA TODAY Sports

Fantasy Fisticuffs pits angry combatants head-to-head in an MLS Fantasy soccer showdown. Each week, Phil and Ben argue over which players will perform. The stakes are high. The competitor whose team scores the fewer amount of points through Round 27 (September 3rd) will have to endure two laps of shaming around the Toyota Stadium concourse, Cersei Lannister style (though probably not nude)! Join our league using the code 35-1619 to follow along. After a good week, Phil has trimmed Ben's lead to 12 with the score standing at 693-681.

Note: After 2 months of exhausting analysis and even more exhausting viewership of real players scoring fake points for their fake teams, Phil and Ben enjoy some well-deserved R&R while taking the week off. In their stead, noted Liga Ascenso pundit DeLeon Duodécimo will be providing his picks to click. Be warned- he does so mainly in verse.

For the men of the Red Patch

The road has been long

Despite hostile crowds, their form has been strong

They’ve fought for points, match after match.

Their D’s held firm, their goal fixed under latch.

But don’t dare think the attack’s not worthy of song.

If you do that, you’re certainly wrong.

For one of their stars is the ultimate catch.

His nickname is "The Atomic Ant"

Moniker well-earned, since he’s not very tall.

Yet, his game ranks 'al todo el mundo'

His danger makes opponents rave and rant.

Deadly from range- a wiz on the ball.

C’e il Capitano! C’e Giovinco (F-$12.4)!

Why should I buy your unicorn?

O fawning brony,

Inculcating cults of personality with foolish consistency

No more would my birthright for pottage flee

Than for the ‘wit’ and ‘wisdom’ of a grumpy crank

Enobled by the Epistaxis-inducing heights of 7th grade all-conference

Bleating with embellished resolve

Mimicking greats with no promise of goals

In defiance of mythical class and mindless concern

We opt for orgasmic silence

No names..no nimbulistic naysaying based on a

Militarism far astray from the beautiful game.

He’s back!!!! Just don’t call him a unicorn.

Your horse with the horn is the fake Rolex of

Your imagination. You needn’t imagine;

Mauro’s very real (M-$10.6)

A Swede who isn’t that hairy

Makes the Burgundy Wave quite merry

Add this man who’s a peak

For next Double Game Week

His name is Axel Sjoberg (pronounced ‘Hoy-berry’) (D-$5.5)

Deadline is near so

Here’s a Haiku, Dynamo

Players= Deep Doo-Doo.