Alternate Game Grades: FC Dallas vs. New York Red Bulls

Mike Stobe

Let's not focus on sad things. Let's focus on things that are not soccer.

Your mileage may vary, but this NY game was so boring for stretches that I found myself focusing on things other than soccer. Because, you know, there wasn't a whole lot of soccer being played by people not named George John, Matt Hedges or Raul Fernandez.

Here are my grades for the game:

Broadcast Quality:  5.0

Thanks, MLS Live and UniMás, for making this match impossible to watch on my normal TV or on my computer. Since my current (awful) cable provider doesn't carry Univision or any of its cousins, I was forced to watch through less than savory means. The resulting quality was abysmal and at times it looked as if I was watching Galaga soccer. The tiny little box I had to view it in also made it tricky. Confusing Andrew Jacobson with Thierry Henry is a fairly impossible thing to do, yet I'm pretty sure I did just that.

The commentary was as good as could be expected, and as usual the Latino crew that mans the booth injected more life into the game than was really in it. I have to commend the announcers because they definitely enhanced my experience.

Erick's Own Goal: 8.0

I said this on twitter, but it bears repeating: If you're going to lose, lose in style! Man, FC Dallas lost on one terribly unfortunate incident, but boy was it a peach of an own goal. The build up was pretty, but the way Erick just shows up at the wrong place at the wrong time is exemplary. The only kind of own goals that beat this are the kind that come off of volleys.

This here is a lesson on how over-pursuit, coupled with a wonderfully suicidal touch can make even the most awful own goal a hilarious event. For New York. I wanted to both cry and laugh, and I'm not sure where that falls. Theater masks maybe?

Midfield: i2 = −1

That's an expression using an imaginary number. Just like the imaginary midfield we had. I'm not sure that, given the urgency needed, we could have seen a more disinterested performance.

My Snacks: 7.5

I had conjured up the most sublime glass of coke zero. The ice to coke ratio was perfect, and with the bottle nearby it made for instant refills. Rapid, thirst quenching gratification was always assured. The chips I had were a bit stale though, probably because I forgot to close the bag all the way the last time I put them away. I'm not sure it's fair to grade the chips based on my absentmindedness, but the chips can't argue with me about it. The chips were kinda crappy.

So while a few mushy tostitos bring down the snack score, they are saved by the excellent Frito Lay bean dip. Really, there aren't better mass-produced bean dips out there. You may disagree of course, but you would also be wrong.

Fan Rage: 5.5

You know, I'm a bit shocked I didn't see more outrage on twitter and on the blog. Perhaps this is because we've all sort of accepted FCD's fate, or perhaps because people who are heavily invested in this team emotionally have shut themselves off in order to avoid further pain and agony. All things considered, the rage was more subdued than I expected.

Imaginary Mike Petke: 7.0

Mike Petke has a safe, no-nonsense approach to men's hairstyles, but it works for him. One of the more classy hairdos in MLS and he should be commended for it. It looks better on him than on Peter Vermes.

He also looks like Rob Lowe, who is brilliant in Parks and Recreation and I can't help but see him acting the same way. The Petke in my mind is probably more charming than the real Petke, but I sure hope not. Neurotic Mike Petke is much more amusing.

Rate your gameday experiences below. The ratings can include pretty much anything you can think of related to your viewing experience.

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